Looking at #WhyIStayed beyond 140 characters
As the outcry over the Ray Rice videotape reaches a fever pitch, the spotlight has also turned to his wife, Janay Rice. Why, commentators have asked, does she stand by him? Why, less than two months after the February 15 assault and one day after his indictment, did she marry him?
For perspective, look no further than the #WhyIStayed hashtag on Twitter. Across the world, survivors are using #WhyIStayed to share their stories of staying in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. Thousands - mostly women - have already used the hashtag, proving Janay Rice is no outlier.
For Melissa Fabello, editor of the blog Everyday Feminism and a domestic violence educator at Philadelphia's Women Against Abuse, seeing the hashtag go viral was a profound relief. Each tweet, she said, makes it easier for the next person to shed their stigma and share their story.
"The general public really has no understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence," Fabello said. "The hashtag reminded me of, unfortunately, how common abuse is. You know the numbers, one in three. But here you see so many people coming together to say, 'Yes this happens, this is not an isolated incident. It's not something just happening to her, it's happening to all of us. It's a cultural issue that needs to be addressed.'"
Carrie Crockford, who works with both perpetrators and survivors at the Domestic Abuse Project, sees women who decide to stay in abusive relationships on a daily basis.
"They truly love these men," Crockford said of some of her clients in Minneapolis. "The men love them. It's a toxic relationship, and no one has figured out how to right the ship."
For some, the assumption that every woman has a choice to stay or go is problematic. An abused woman is 75 percent more likely to be murdered when she tries to flee or has fled than when she stays, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
"Not leaving isn't the same as consent," the author of "Why I Married My Abuser" wrote last week in a viral story. "I stayed because I was traumatized and isolated."
As part of her job, Crockford does court-mandated counseling for male perpetrators. In that role, she says, she tries to reconnect these men with who they are outside of their abusive relationships. She asks them to reflect on where they came from, what informs them as human beings, and so on.
To help understand Rice in particular, Crockford pointed to the high-pressure environment of professional sports. Picked by the Ravens in the 2008 NFL Draft, Rice broke several franchise records, including becoming the first Raven to rush for 1,000 yards in four consecutive seasons.
"Part of the job is to be aggressive," Crockford said. "And sometimes that doesn't translate that well into the athletes' family roles. Often, there's not much of an education on how to transition. How do I go home and be soft? How can I go home and be respectful?"
She said the men in her counseling program strongly relate to Rice, and this ugly case has become a teachable moment.
"People have been in his shoes," she said. "There was such empathy from guys who have now gone through 20 weeks of programming and have the opportunity to be self-reflective. They say, 'We know where you're coming from. You can be a better person.'"